Our Angel Matthew - Grieving the Loss

It's been two and half years now since our baby son passed on and I decided to update this page:

We remember our son everyday, especially having his beautiful and adorable (and sometimes mischievous, LOL) brother Steven. We still get our ups and downs during holidays/birthdays as these times seem to remind us of the pain we feel of not having him here with us. Time does help and we are coping with this death much better. Having my son and daughter at home keeps me busy and my mind occupied. However, those moments in the hospital, the funeral and burial are so tragic that I will carry them with me for the rest of my life. Life does go on but life is never the same. I still love life and want to give the world to my kids but I look at things just a little different now. I know that I did everything that was humanly possible to protect the pregnancy and bring two healthy babies into the world. What happened to us was not my fault and what happend to us was clearly a tragedy. However, it was a tragedy that could have been avoided and that is still the hard part to accept. In an age of technology that we live in, my doctor could just not be bothered to set up an appointment for me to get the extra testing that I had requested.

The first weeks and months that followed Matthew's death were very hard for us. There were high levels of stress from grieving and on top of that, I was learning to be a new mom to my other son. It is such a complex situation that sometimes I don't know how we made it through. Sometimes I think that it would have been easier to die than to watch him die. And I now realize how painful the loss of a child, no matter what age, can be. It can hurt one so much that I honestly think someone can die from a broken heart.

As Matthew died on the same day he was born, Steven's birthday will always be one of happiness and sorrow, as it has been the last two years. We have celebrated Steven's two birthdays with parties, family and friends but when we sing that line, "Happy Birthday dear Steven..." there's always a moment in my heart that pauses because I know his brother should be celebrating his birthday right by his side.

All our dreams for Matthew have vanished, we lost our child, we lost the future. And although we are so happy with Steven and our daughter Erica, it is still painful for us. No other child will ever replace him.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is a very personal process that varies amongst individuals. Some people have this illusion that because I have Steven and Erica I should forget and move on but the truth of the matter is that grieving is a journey, not a destination. Grieving is not about forgetting but instead it’s about remembering with less pain. And that is exactly what is happening, we are moving on but not forgetting.

I still remember that afternoon when the nurses handed Steven to me and then Matthew. One crying baby in one hand and one lifeless in the other; there are no words that could ever describe what that felt like. Nothing could be worse than to be given a live baby and a dead baby at the same time. This is true especially when they were both perfectly well when I walked into the hospital that morning. We saw Matthew a couple of times during the days I recovered in the hospital. We held him close kissing him, telling him that we loved him and cried so, so much. We took pictures and even introduced him to our relatives that same night. I remember saying, "This is Matthew...he's very pale". I was so devastated by the whole thing but I am glad we took those pictures and have them as memories. I hope he was there in spirit and could feel our warmth and our love.